
Going under the knife.eeeek!
That headline got your attention didn’t it? No, I’m not going to try and turn myself into the next Jordan (much as i love ‘mysterious girl’ as a pop choooon!). In fact, I’ve just returned from the hospital, where Nice Consultant Man told me I need a nose job.
OK. He didn’t actually say it like that. The problem is that my sinuses are rubbish and I have nasal polyps (nice! glam! just what a lady wants!) – these together mean that at night my breathing is like Darth Vader with a touch of flu. To add to all of that, apparently my septum is “grossly deviated”. Not a wee bit bent in the middle – the Nice Consultant Man practically boomed to the whole of the waiting room that it is “grossly deviated”, rolling his ‘r’s for extra effect. Thanks matey. I’d always known my nose was a bit squiffy, but I’d brushed it off thinking “hey! I’m a crazy kooky chick, a duff nose don’t bovva me!”. It’s not like my nose is pointing at my left ear, but yeah, it’s a bit off-line you could say.
Nice Consultant Man’s conclusion anyway, is this nose job. In reality it’s one operation but three procedures: 1. scrape out sinuses, 2. pull out polyps and 3. sort out deviance (possibly by removing bone and cartilage. eeew!). I am pooping myself. I’ve never had an op before and the thought of someone scraping round inside my FACE fills me with horror. The Consultant Man’s attempts to relax me by mentioning the risks in a light-hearted voice (brain fluid may leak out. eyes might be affected. septum might be left with a hole in it. but all these are rare…) did nothing to help and I felt I was sat stifling a massive fearful SCREAM for most of the time I was in the room. I managed to contain myself though and dutifully signed consent forms, spoke to three nice nurses, blew into a contraption, gave my blood pressure, filled out form after form, replied ‘no’ to questions about diabetes, heart pressure, allergies, dvt and the like. And I also had to ‘fess up to my alcohol consumption (cue raised eyebrows from nurse lady).
With that out the way, I’m now ready and waiting to go under the knife. The lists are short and I should be done in the next six weeks. SIX weeks? gulp. I have two weddings to go to in the next month so I pressed the nurse for info about what my face will look like after, and when it will calm down (don’t fancy attending swanky bashes with my face sporting five shades of purple and a swollen conk). Apparently a week will do it, just about, but I need 2 weeks off work to let it heal up.
I think I’ll take before and after photos of my nose just for good measure, although I’m not convinced it’ll look different. I might sound different though – I’m always asked if I have a cold (particularly if phoning people) – it would be great to get rid of this bunged-up-ness. Just a shame the remedy is drastic, and rancid, and brings me out in a cold sweat.