Operation Nose, Mark 3, was set for Monday just gone and finally, thankfully, it actually went ahead this time. I hadn’t had long to dwell on the impending surgery, thanks to an action packed weekend of footie at Forest Green and a visit to the darts at the Lakeside (both brill), so I wasn’t too trepidatious come Monday morning.
The hospital didn’t have a bed for me when I arrived so I had to get changed into my nightie and green stockings and sit in the waiting room, where the anaesthetic and surgeon came to see me. The anaesthetist was an Eastern European guy who seemed really sweet, but he did have a very small black moustache which, with his accent, immediately made me think he was rather like a James Bond villain. The surgeon was a blonde blue eyed and very young guy, so a complete contrast to James Bond villain man, although he wasn’t quite a Daniel Craig lookeelikee. That would have been ultra weird.
Off I trotted down to theatre, and before I knew it I was in the villain’s hands again. I was literally shaking at this point with nerves especially when he said “just relax…” but no sooner was the jab in, than I was out, and the next thing I knew I was in recovery. Thank goodness, no “I woke up during surgery” stories to sell to Take a Break. My first instinct was to touch my nose – still there. Excellent.
On getting back to the ward, I took a pic of myself on my mobile and found a very sorry sight with a large bulbous nose, packed with bandages, but gladly no black eyes so that was good. Throughout the afternoon I dozed quite happily but it was at night time when the fun and games started.
I was in a mainly male ward and my bay was all blokes – a quiet chap who seemed sweet, a guy who’d been in there for a week and knew all the nurses and wanted to chat loads, and a chap next to me who’d swallowed his own denture plate. He couldn’t talk very well, having had his two front teeth plus the plate down his neck, and sounded like Madge from neighbours, but a lot deeper and a LOT louder. The highlight of his new vocal talents (unintelligable to many) was when at 9.30pm, he turned on his radio and started singing along to Take That. I kid you not. I was laying there trying to sleep and listening to warped troll voice man belting out ‘Greatest Day’. For godssake!! He was also having some sort of vivid dreams if the rest of the night’s quips and shouting episodes were anything to go by.
This guy was accompanied by what seemed to me to be the International Snoring Competition for the male over 40 category, with many in the ward having a good shout at the title. Wheezes, coughs, splutters, snores, shouts, we had a great variety of sounds to keep me occupied. I was not a happy big nosed bunny.
Anyhoo, morning did arrive at last and the surgeon came round to see me. Apparently my septum needed an awful lot of work, and part of it was dislocated as well as the gross deviation to correct. Nice, non!! He thought it went well and after a while I got my packs taken out (felt like the nurse was dragging my brain through my nostril, believe me it was horrid). A couple of hours later, I was on my way home again, thank goodness, with a nice bandage/bolster thingy strapped under my nose. Amazing how you don’t care what you look like when you’re ill though – I wanted some fresh air so stood outside the main entrance with my lank greasy hair and bloodied bandage, waiting for my lift home.
So a few days on, I’m feeling quite good. The nose is going down gradually and is being well behaved. I’m not allowed to blow my nose for 6 weeks which will be weird and no exercise or anything strenuous for 2 weeks in case of bleeding. I am sitting on my backside all day reading books and eating Christmas choccies – bad news for the B2B beautifying campaign! Ho hum.
So how do I look? The nose at the moment I think looks a bit off centre, but maybe it was always like that? I can’t quite remember what I looked like. It’s slightly freaky that it looks like a bigger version of a normal nose - it would have been a bit less weird if it was hugely inflamed with loads of bruising but as it is, I just look like I’ve stumbled into Pinocchio and told my first lie. I’m having to put salt spray up my nose three times a day, plus nose drops three times a day which isn’t too ardous, although the salt spray makes my eyes water.
The worst thing I’ve found, so far, is yawning. A big yawn seems to move my nostrils around which can be a bit painful. No sneezes to contend with yet and I intend to keep out the way of anyone with the lurgy – the nurse advised me to sneeze with my mouth open if I feel the need – so that’ll be nice for anyone nearby!
Ok, seeing as you all wanted it, here’s a pic of me and my nose – not as exciting as I’d anticipated and I can’t get the photos off my phone showing the immediate aftermath, so this one is one day post surgery and really not that dramatic – see what you think…
